I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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