While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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