I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
