i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
