just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
