Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
