she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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