I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this just has baby written all over it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
