Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
