Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize