Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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