His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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