we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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