At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
