wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
