Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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