where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
