Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm too high and old for this...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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