i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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