I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
