On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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