We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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