omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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