Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
