Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Drunk is not a location!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
