Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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