I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
