I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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