I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
