The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
