He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
