Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
