oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
