is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
