She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize