Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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