I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
