would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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