Hey man sorry I got all grabby
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
