Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
