i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
