I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
