I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I currently don't understand fingers.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
