i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
