i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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