I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
