I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
