If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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