You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
