it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
