u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
