yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
