can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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