There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
