I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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