A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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