This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
