Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
