winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
