Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
