i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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