I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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