there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
