I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
