Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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