you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
