First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
porn star boner night. come get it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize