I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
