I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
