i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
