party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The best revenge is premature balding
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
