they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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