i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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